on life, for the countless time

looking around at all the high achievers in life in my circle of friends and beyond sometimes makes me ask myself what am i doing with my life? am i doing enough? as i see them tick yet another destination of their personalised lonely planet places to see list, i look at the miserable few countries i've been to in the past 3 years. Australia for studies (and visit gab and an twice), malaysia for short weekend getaways three times, bangkok for holiday twice, taiwan for training thrice and brunei for training twice.

my peers enjoy 2 week long trips in vietnam, or ski trips to france, and other holidays to exotic places in the mediterranean or Americas. i, on the other hand, have not had a good long break for maybe 3 and a half years?

after mugging my ass off in JC, i enlisted into army. after early ORD (sacrificing 21 days of leave and 7 days of off, i can't really remember) i flew immediately to start studying. last holiday didnt really do much, just visit ian and sant and hosted them when they came over. this holiday has been work work work, eat eat eat, and for the past 3 nights drink drink drink, for a reason that i may explain if i feel up to it.

so i ask myself, when am i going to go travel, see the world, and have a good time? it was then i realised, that there are many ways of spending time and seeing the world than by travelling.

i don't want to travel. i want to see my friends. i want to be with them as much as i can. and especially one very important guy in my life, who recently has been there for me. i haven't gone out much with him lately and stuff cos im so busy, but im so going to miss him for a month when im back doing summer sem and he's still stoning here. even though this ass sumin didn't go watch trinations with me.

when we get too caught up with ourselves, we actually lose our sense of responsibility and priority in life. we don't deliver what we are obliged to deliver. we make other people do our work. we don't spend time with people we are supposed to spend time with. we make empty promises. then we lose our friends and loved ones, and then how successful can we be then?

lost

im 21 years old. should it be 21 years old? or 21 years young? why is a kid who has lived for 1 year 1 year old? he should be one year young! this is very confusing. my point is, where should we draw the line between being young and old? or more importantly, what does it mean to be old, and to be young?

the only satifiable answer i can think of is when we are comparing ages. being relatively young or relatively old. but i can't seem to define age in absolute terms.

what led me to this confusing topic, or more concisely, what are you trying to say, daniel tan?

over the past year, and especially the past few months, i have grown into an age and a situation where i feel that i show the most empathy for my fellow man, assume the most responsibility and am the most mature of all people in my life. including the adults in my life.

somehow, i feel that now, at the tender age of 21, i have no one to turn to for advice! u can't turn to adults for advice, because they are experiencing problems worse than i am experiencing. and they are not dealing with them as effectively as i would have dealt with them. they cannot see the obvious solution and deal with the problem. they refuse to see the big picture and are only concerned on their petty differences. and own point of view.

i told gabriel, always be beyond reproach, always be someone who people do not have a reason to dislike, always be the forgiving one. i feel like im behaving too old for my age.

i understand that my action have consequences and repercussions, but i can't make my mother understand that. if you want a reaction from someone, you must do the action that yields that reaction. she cannot understand that even though i've said it like 10 times.

im quite happy that i made a new friend today (notice difference from aquaintance). ruth is doing video form my aunt's company who i am working for, so today we had a meeting, and i sent her home. had a nice talk about life, priorities, decisions, and maybe responsibilites.

i always thought that i could have a senior or mentor to rely on when i have problems. but i realise now my problems are easier to deal with than the problems the adults in my life are facing. and that they are more ill-equipped to deal with problems in life than i am.

will i be like them someday? i hope not. but for now i feel a bit lost. without anyone to turn to for help. but maybe that's the way its supposed to be. that one fine day you have to depend on yourself. not on anyone any longer.